


Sharks

by WorriedEye



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Complete, M/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 14:10:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4790186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WorriedEye/pseuds/WorriedEye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Mighty Boosh minific filler.  A continuation of the episode 'Eels'.  Howard's been taken by the student loans officers...</p><p>(Not sure what this is really.  One minute I was watching the episode and the next this happened.  Thanks for indulging me) xx</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sharks

“Hello Son.”

“Where d’ya think you’re going?”

“Whh..wh.what’s happening here?”

“We’ve been after you for years.”

“Who are you?”

“Student Loans.”

‘No.”

“You’re coming with us.”

“Eurghh..arghh...please, I’ve got so much to give!!!!”

 

________

 

“Hahaha, no way, that’s classic.”

Vince kneels down (with some difficulty) to pick up the rest of his cans of paint.

“I wonder how they found him. Heehee. I bet he got an attack of the guilts and phoned them up.”

He carries the cans across to the countertop to check the lids are on tight.

“I bet he wrote them a long letter to say sorry. I bet he gave them some sad twisted explanation why he’d not given them his new address.”

He pops the three cans back into his bag.

“Daft sod. If he’d have kept quiet he’d have been alright.”

Vince pulls the bag onto his shoulder.

“They would never have found him. I mean it’s not like his name’s written all over the front of the shop now is it?”

Vince stops mid stride. He puts the heel of his boot down slowly. He frowns.

“But…”

He looks down at his bag.

“If…”

He looks to the front of the shop.

“Surely not…”

His eyes widen.

“Oh shit!”

Vince runs from the shop out to the front pavement.

“Howard! Howard! Where are you Howard? I’m sorry! It was just a joke.”

The sound of a window sliding open above.

“Vince you ballbag, what the hell are you yelling about down there? I’ve got a blinder of a headache.”

“Naboo, you gotta help me. Howard’s been..well..I’m not quite sure if he’s been arrested as such, but he’s been taken by these two blokes.”

“What two blokes?”

“Student Loans blokes.”

“Who the heck are Student Loans?”

“They give you money when you’re a student. You pay it back when you can afford to.”

“When was Howard a student? What on earth would he study?”

“I dunno, he’s tried a few things. But that’s not really the point is it?”

“Vince, he’s probably just been taken to fill in a load of boring forms. He’ll likely be back in an hour.”

“You reckon?”

“I’ve no idea, but if it will make you shut up.”

“Ttch, cheers for nothing Naboo.”

“Just keep it down yeah. Bollo’s running me a bubble bath. Gonna be in it til I look like one of those wrinkly dogs.”

The window slams shut.

“Shit!”

Vince looks left to right, then right to left. Somehow Leroy’s ski-lodge didn’t seem so appealing anymore.

“Naboo’s right, he’ll be back soon enough won’t he? I mean it’s only Student Loans. What can they do? Nothing. They’ll just slap his wrists and make him pay a bit of money.”

Vince wanders back into the shop, locking the door and turning the sign around to closed.

“Anyway it’ll be good for Howard. He won’t have to run anymore. If anything I’ve done him a favour.”

He pops his bag onto the floor and drops into his favourite chair near the window, grabbing a magazine as he does so.

“Yeah, Howard will be okay. He’s always okay. I might just wait here for him though, just to be on the safe side. Not that I’m worried. Howard can look after himself can’t he? He doesn’t need me for this one. I mean what do I know about money and forms. Nothing at all. But Howard loves all that. Using the right type of pen. Filling in those little boxes with capital letters. Signing stuff with his big show-offy signature. What is it, Howard T J Moon esquire or some daft thing. Bet it won’t even fit on the line.”

The shrill rather startling sound of Vince’s phone blares out around Nabootique. He reaches into his catsuit, pulling out the device from goodness knows where. The name on the screen reads simply HOWARD.

“Howard, are you alright?”

“Not really Little Man, no.”

Vince smiles to himself upon hearing his favourite nick-name. He quickly drops the smile when he processes what Howard has said.

“What’s the matter Howard? Do you need a pen?”

“What? No, why would I need a pen?”

“O, i dunno, just Naboo said, I thought, maybe..”

“Vince, shut-up a minute and listen. I’m in a bit of a pickle.”

“A pickle?”

“Yeah, err, you know those Student Loan guys.”

“The ones from earlier.”

“Yep, those are the ones. Well, turns out they’re not official Student Loans. Turns out they’re more like Student Loan Sharks.”

“Sharks? What like Jaws?”

“No Vince. Loan Sharks, you know the ones that lend you money with high interest. The ones that aren’t quite legit.”

“I dunno Howard, I’m not too clever with money me. I’ve never really understood all that stuff about interest and savings and stuff. I’ve never actually been into a bank.”

“That’s not important now. What’s important is me.”

“Yeah of course Howard. So what do you need?”

“A thousand euros”

“Again!”

“Again?”

“Well wasn’t that what you needed for that green bloke.”

“Yes, strange that.”

“Do you reckon he was Student Loans too Howard?”

“I don’t think so Vince. I think he was just some nutty old cockney demon.”

“O yeah right, he kinda survived being shot and all that didn’t he. So you want me to give Eleanor a call then?”

“NO! I do not want you to call Eleanor.”

“But she’ll give you money Howard. You heard her. She’s well into you. She wants you to mess her up.”

Vince can’t help but snigger.

“That’s not happening. That was a one time thing. And we agreed not to mention that ever again.”

“Alright, alright, keep your knickers on. I just thought, if you were desperate and all.”

“I’m not that desperate.”

“Well how desperate are you exactly? When do you need the money by?”

“Now.”

“Or what.”

“They’ll break my legs Vince.”

“Ouch!”

“You can’t let them break my legs Vince, they’re my best feature.”

“But what can I do Howard? I don’t have any money. We went through all this in an earlier scene.”

“What about Naboo? Maybe he’s got a spell or something for making cash.”

“I don’t think so. Why would he have a shop if he could literally make money. Besides, he’s having a bath.”

“So go interrupt him.”

“I don’t think he’d like that Howard.”

“Well what am I going to do then?”

“I could phone Leroy.”

“Leroy? How can he help?”

“Well if he can afford to go skiing in the alps he must be doing alright for cash.”

“Leroy’s not skiing in the alps Vince.”

“But you said.”

“That was role play.”

“I don’t think so Howard. In fact I was on my way to join him remember, although I’m not meant to be telling you that what with him being a spy and all.”

“Vince, for pity’s sake, can you please just keep you mind on this. How am I going to get a thousand euros?”

“Maybe I could sell something Howard. I am Shoreditch’s leading salesperson.”

“Yes, yes, that’s better. So what can you sell? What do we have that’s worth that much?”

“Ummm, what about your records? You got anything there your freaky jazz mates would pay loads for?”

“Not at the moment Vince, although there is one really rare piece I’ve got my eye on. Maybe if these thugs give me another week, but they want their cash now. Haven’t you got anything? What about your clothes? Surely there’s a treasure or two amongst that lot.”

“Sorry Howard, but I’ve already sold loads of stuff. I’m saving up for a Joan Jett jumpsuit. It’s gonna look genius.”

“So that’s it then. I’m doomed. Say goodbye to these limbs of mine Vince ‘cause you’ll never see them again.”

“I can’t see them now Howard. We’re on phones.”

“What the hell am I gonna do?!”

“I dunno, unless...”

“What? Unless what?”

“Unless...I could sell my Celebradar.”

“What that pathetic piece of pop paraphernalia. Who the hell’s gonna pay a thousand euros for that?”

“I’ll take it to one of the magazines. They’ll love it. I’ll have to give Leroy a cut but he’ll wait for his share. He must be making a mint as a spy anyway.”

“Do you really think they’ll pay that much for it Vince?”

“Of course they will Howard. They might offer me a job too. Imagine that. Vince Noir, Chief Editor!”

“Okay, okay. So you’ll do that then yeah. You’ll go now and sort that out for me?”

“Of ‘course.”

“Now Vince!”

“Yes, I’ll do it now. Just stay calm. What do I do with the money when I’ve got it?”

“Get a pen.”

“So you do need a pen.”

“No Vince, you need a pen. I’m going to give you an address. You need to write it down.”

“Okay I’m ready.”

“It’s a pub called The Old Shakey Horse. It’s on the corner of Bell and Whitmore Street.”

“That’s a well dodgy pub Howard.”

“You know it?”

“I know of it.”

“Well that’s where I am. Hurry Vince, these guys aren’t messing around.”

“I’ll be there as quick as I can. Try and chill yeah. And have a flirtini ready for me ‘cause you’ll definitely be owing me a drink after this one.”

 

________

 

The usual pub smells hit Vince as he edges open the door. Beer and whiskey, cigarette smoke, greasy food, too much aftershave, not enough aftershave. As a child Vince was always fascinated with these smells. They were the smells that enveloped the dark sexy corners of adulthood. They were the forbidden, the unknown, the future.

Now such smells made him gag.

Old traditional pubs just aren’t Vince’s thing. Give him a high ceilinged, open plan wine bar any day, preferably one with a non-sticky dance floor and full-length mirrors in the toilets. Plus there was another reason Vince didn’t tend to frequent pubs a lot. It wasn’t something he liked to admit but he really didn’t fit in. Even now, dressed in what he considers more appropriate apparel, he knows that absolutely no-one inside will look anything like him. Heck, he doubted anyone would have hair longer than their ears. As confident as Vince is he can’t deny that these places scare him more than anywhere else in the East End. He takes a steadying breath before pushing the heavy door fully open and crossing the threshold.

It’s like stepping into another world.

To say everybody in the pub turned to stare at him would be an exaggeration. Everybody but one person turned to stare at him. The one person who didn’t stare at him instead came bounding towards him like an oversized labrador puppy.

“Vince! O thank god Vince. I was starting to think you’d forgotten about me. Where the hell have you been? You got the money? Please tell me you’ve got the money.”

“Howard, yeah, I got the money.”

Vince passes him an envelope.

Howard kisses it.

Vince makes a suitably disapproving face at him.

“Hurry up Howard and let’s get out of here.”

“You don’t want that flirtini.”

“Buy me one at the Onion instead.”

“Okay, just give me a sec to settle this.”

Howard turns in a hurry and walks ‘bang’ straight into the chest of a huge bearded beast of a man.

It’s not often that Howard Moon feels small. If anything he always feels too big for a room, too awkward and space-invading.

“I beg your pardon. I’m so very, very sorry. If you’d be so kind as to let me pass here I’ll be out of your way. Right out of you way. All the way over there in fact. I don’t want any trouble.”

The massive man sweeps Howard from his path like he were made of cloth and makes a beeline directly for Vince. Vince takes a step or two backwards.

“What’s your name beautiful?”

The voice that comes out of the man isn’t as deep as Vince is expecting. The hand that’s heading for his face however is mammoth.

“Vince.”

“Vince?”

The man rolls his name around his mouth as if it were a chew toy.

“Unusual. What is it, French or something?”

“Um, maybe.”

“You’re not French though are you? We’re not too keen on pond life around here if you know what I mean.”

The rest of the pub laugh along with the man. Vince swallows. This is all feeling way too familiar to him.

“No, I’m from around here. A proper cockney me.”

The man grabs Howard’s collar and pulls him up straight.

“And this your boyfriend is it?”

Vince and Howard make eye contact. Vince tries to send Howard a telepathic message. He’s disappointed when it clearly doesn’t work.

“I’ll have you know sir that Vince and I are…”

“Married!”

The word blurts out of Vince before he can think the repercussions through. It’s instinctual. Still if there’s one thing Vince can always rely it’s his instincts. He decides to place his trust in them, and hopes that Howard will follow his lead and do the same.

“Well we’re not quite married. Tomorrow actually. We’re getting married tomorrow.”

“You’re marrying him?!”

The man releases his hold on Howard, the utter distaste in the tone of his voice unmistakable. Howard tries not to feel too offended.

“Sir, if you’ll just let me pass...”

Vince steps forward and threads his arm through Howard’s. He stands on tiptoes and plants a lingering kiss on Howard’s cheek.

“Now, now honey. This gentleman is only making friendly conversation. I’m sure he’ll let us be on our way in a moment.”

Every muscle and sinew and cell and bone in Howard’s body has turned to ice. He’s completely frozen. Even his eyelids. He’s not sure if his heart's still beating. It’s quite possible it’s been ripped out. His feet suddenly weigh a tonne. He feels all itchy. He feels nauseous.

“Honey, are you okay?”

Howard can’t think. His brain is too busy replaying the moment in his head, whirling it around and around in high speed, then slowing it down, right down, so slow that it feels like his mind is wading through marshmallow. He can no longer..it’s too too much...the stress of the day and now this...this...

..this, the moment he didn’t realise he was waiting for until now..this, the moment, THE moment when Vince kissed him.

It takes Vince about thirty seconds to work out what’s wrong with Howard. When he does he can’t help but internally grin. He grips Howard’s arm a little tighter.

“I apologise for my fiance. He’s got pre-wedding jitters. We’ve got to part company for the night soon so really should be on our way.”

Vince takes the envelope from Howard’s stiff fingers and points to where he can see the two ‘student loans officers’ seated.

“Do you mind if I give this to these two gentlemen first though?”

The large man steps aside and Vince releases Howard’s arm, sashaying a little as he walks across to the table. He hands the bald man the envelope.

“A thousand euros. You can count it if you want but it’s all there. Howard’s paid all his debt now has he?”

The bald man nods. The other just gapes at Vince.

“But aren’t you a blo..?”

Vince quickly reaches across and places his finger on the man’s lips.

“Shh. No need for you to thank us. Just promise you’ll leave us alone now yeah.”

The bald man nods again.

Vince turns on his two-inch heels, walks back to Howard and slips his arm casually around his friend’s waist.

“C’mon then hun. One night alone and then I’m yours forever.”

He puts out his hand to shake that of the huge man still standing in front of them.

“Well it was lovely to meet you. Thank you for looking after my Howard here and making sure he didn’t get too drunk. You’ve been very hospitable.”

The man is simply won over by Vince’s charm and kind words. All thoughts of causing mischief leave him. He feels, if anything, somehow flattered. He takes Vince’s tiny hand in his huge one and shakes it gently.

“You know if he doesn’t treat you right you only have to come ask for my help and I’ll make him wish he’d never been born.”

“That’s very kind of you and I’ll be sure to remember that. Goodbye then.”

Vince somehow manages to walk Howard to and through the pub door. He can feel all eyes upon him but he doesn’t look back. He just pulls Howard tighter to his side and walks briskly away.

They are well out of sight when Vince eventually draws them both to a stop beneath a disused bus shelter. He’s started to shake quite uncontrollably now the adrenalin has worn off. It doesn’t take Howard long to notice.

“Vince, are you okay?”

“Yeah, just a bit het up, you know? My nerves are all going a bit bonkers.”

Howard nods.

“Well you were pretty brave back there. I’m sorry I froze. I don’t know what happened. Normally, you know, I’d have helped talk our way out of it. I just lost it for some reason.”

“It’s alright Howard. It’s done now.”

“No, it’s not. I lost my edge back there Vince, lost the upper hand. I’m Howard Moon, a man of action and quick wits. I shouldn’t succumb like that. I don’t know what came over me.”

Vince wants desperately to say something that’ll force Howard to mention the kiss, but he’s not sure if it’s the right thing to do. He’s torn between wanting to embarrass Howard and wanting to protect him. The story of his life!

Suddenly he realises he’s still got his arm around Howard’s middle. He starts to remove it but Howard stops him with a hand upon his shoulder. They make brief eye contact before Howard pulls the smaller man into a loose hug.

“Thank you Vince.”

Howard can feel that Vince is still shaking. It concerns him enough to override the rising levels of distress he’s experiencing at having someone touch him. He reminds himself that this is Vince he’s holding, not a stranger. This is his best friend. Howard takes a deep calming breath. If he can allow anyone to touch him surely that someone is this man. He wraps his arms further around Vince, tightening the embrace.

Vince closes his eyes and places his check against Howard’s chest. The button on Howard’s shirt digs into him, but he chooses to ignore it. There is no way he’s going to ruin this moment between them. The shakes subside.

“Howard, I’m sorry I wrote those things on the shop shutter. I was just being a dick. And if I hadn’t have written them those blokes would never have found you would they?”

Howard sighs.

“They’d have caught up with me eventually Vince. And anyway it’s made me realise something.”

“What's that?”

“That you always come good for me in the end.”

Vince pulls back from Howard enough to be able to look up into his face.

“What?”

Howard can feel himself blush.

“I dunno why Vince but you always seem to be rescuing me from something.”

“Yeah, well that’s how it works isn’t it. You do something stupid and I save the day. That’s our angle.”

“Be nice if I could save you one day though.”

“What you talking about, you’ve saved me loads of times Howard.”

“When? Give me one example of a time I’ve saved you from a monster or something?”

“Well I don’t really mean monsters Howard. I’m just a bit luckier than you when it comes to that kind of thing. You attract nutters don’t you Howard. Me, I attract more beautiful things. No, I mean you save me day to day like. You make sure I eat properly, and you sort out my wages for me, and you help me with the laundry. You know, all that sort of stuff’s important too.”

“Still, I'd like to save you from something dangerous one day.”

"Really?"

Howard nods.

“Well maybe one day I’ll mess up and do something stupid and you’ll have to rescue me. But until that day can you forgive me for the graffiti and I’ll forgive you for the freezing up. And then can we just go home and have some toast ‘cause I’m bloody starvin’.”

Howard gives Vince one last squeeze before letting him go.

“Sure thing, that sounds like a good plan to me.”

“Plus, you know, I haven’t worked out what I’m wearing tomorrow yet.”

“Tomorrow?”

“For our wedding.”

Howard outwardly laughs, but his insides are trying to tell him something else, something his brain is having trouble interpreting. As his stomach twists into a knot an image flashes across his mind, a replay of that kiss upon his cheek. But this time it’s different. This time he turns to meet Vince’s lips with his own, this time he melts against Vince, this time…

Vince joins in with the laugh, but as he watches a series of emotions play out across his friend’s face he wonders, just quietly to himself, what would happen if he actually kissed Howard for real.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The Mighty Boosh and all related characters of course belong to Noel and Julian, Dave and Rich and Mike. We love them and we hope they don't mind us messing with them in some very peculiar ways. No money is being made from this effort.


End file.
